by JANET NAPIO

I have beef with housemates. With the ever increasing costs of living, sometimes the only way to be able to afford a good house is by getting someone to share the rent with .But housemates come at a very high price.

With one of my former housemates it was the rent. At the end of every month, I would religiously give her my share of the rent for her to top up and pay up our rent. This arrangement was working quite well then one fateful day, the landlord in an outburst of anger demands to know why we have not paid our rent  for the past three months…

 I quickly call my housemate who is at work and demand to know what happened to all the money I have been giving her and she coolly replies “oh that, it’s complicated. But don’t worry I will talk to the landlord. Next day when I bump into the landlord, I expect him to scowl and shove an eviction letter in my face. Instead, he smiles sweetly and offers me a ride to town.  Later, I find out that the change in attitude is because of the ‘little talk’ with my housemate. Wonder why it was so hard for her to have a ‘little talk’ with me before using the rent for God knows what.

 One day I buy an air freshener a really nice rose fragrance for the house and am thinking,’ she will like this’ so I go home place it strategically where the scent can spread through the house. When I return from work the next day, all smiles expecting a compliment, low and behold! The scent has been tightly wrapped in a paper bag and shabbily stored away. Explanation – I don’t do scents. I am allergic. And am thinking how come you wear scents. Even then whatever happened to being sensitive to people’s feelings especially when they are trying to be nice? Incase you haven’t noticed am trying here!!!

The other day, I bought these really cute sandals. I wake up the next morning, dress up hurriedly for work seeing that I woke up late. Time to go and I can’t find my new sandals after searching the whole house. I realize that my very ‘thoughtful’ housemate graced her feet with them. But wait even my shades and the bag I planned to carry that day are gone. Arrrggggghhh HOUSEMATES! **N#@?M##!!

 Then comes the day when you go out of your way to be really nice. Cook some good food (and damn, its good coz I really cook good!) anyway, I prepare it really special so we can eat together over a nice movie. It’s my idea of housemate bonding.

But this is not to happen because she just said that she is not hungry and that she will only have a glass of juice. The movie…well she’s not in the mood.

Now what in the world am I supposed to do with all this food???? This really nice food that I cooked. Clearly, I shouldn’t have bothered.

There are days when a housemate wakes up with one thing on their mind: to listen to the same song over and over again. Since it is really loud, you have to listen as well. The one we were listening to the other weekend was a song by James Blunt about how sorrow became some guy’s soul mate. I usually end up learning the whole song and even come up with adlibs for the chorus. At this rate, sorrow might actually become my soul mate because this sad song is freaking me out.

And there is no telling her off because she is in a really bad mood. Something about her boyfriend I think. So if listening to the song makes her feel better, let’s listen. But God I am dying to turn that thing off.

Does your housemate like sticking posters, magazine cut outs and photos on the wall, well mine does. She puts pictures of her favorite people on the wall (one of those people is me, though I am not too sure I still will be when she reads this). But anyway she puts pictures and pull outs from magazines on the walls. Makes the house seem like some sort of dormitory. What kills me though is that she uses toothpaste to stick them up. Lord  help me because this is too much!

Still about the picture thing, one housemate I had loved the idea of putting pictures of herself in every room of the house. She had framed portraits of all sizes-full body shots, wide shots, tight ones, full smile, half smile, hazy eyes, bright eyes, you name it. When you walked through the house, everywhere you looked it was into her face. Felt like she was always watching me. It felt like living in the Big Brother house.

I know this is about housemates but some landlords hmm!!

One evening I was practicing some contemporary dance moves for an upcoming performance. I was doing it upstairs at the top of the house and the landlord came up to me and said that I was shaking the houses. I am still trying to figure out what he really meant because I don’t even weight 55kgs. So for me to cause a building with ten house to shake does not make sense. Anyway that’s for another day.

Having a housemate can be fun if you take time to know their likes and dislikes, although I guarantee you even that will not stop the beef from arising.

For the record, beef or no beef, I love my housemate and everyone else I ever lived with but I still think some of those posters have to go. Especially the one of that Kadongo Kamu man in a baggy white suit.

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